January 22, 2017
Anyone my generation or older is familiar with that phrase… from the Berlin Wall, to hearing the Pink Floyd song! But, don’t many of us have our own walls?
I was reminded of this common issue by a man who recently asked how he could trust if someone said they loved him. So many have walls they don’t even know how to bring down, how to trust, how to take someone at their word. We’ve all been hurt at some point in our lives, but as individuals, every one of us is affected differently by these traumas. Some vow to never love again, some turn to drugs, alcohol, or other less conspicuous addictions to mask the pain, while many others put up emotional walls around themselves.
These people with walls often don’t show it. They may have relationships that appear loving and healthy to the casual observer, but the other half of the relationship feels something missing, a lack of trust, a lack of bonding, or a lack of intimacy. What to do about this? Is it possible to heal?
First, the person with the walls has to WANT to bring them down. I learned the hard way, many years ago, that you can’t force it on someone. No matter how badly you want them to open up, no matter how much you love that person, if he or she doesn’t want to heal, you cannot make it happen.
Once someone truly wants to heal, wants to open up, panic often sets in… these walls have been a security blanket for a long time, for some, most of their lives. Fear is normal, and fear is good. When I see a client with this type of fear, I start with gentle Reiki to help him relax, and for general healing on all levels (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). I also suggest one or more essential oils for grounding and releasing.
My next step is turning to EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), or tapping. We work together, usually over the phone although in-person sessions are sometimes available, and I lead him through gently releasing the fear, at the pace that he is comfortable with. I often use percentages as the “charge” – or the strength of the emotion – is gradually reduced. We may start with releasing as little as 5% of the fear, as that amount alone might feel huge to someone. Because most people with this issue are terrified of letting go of their fear, we begin by just working on the willingness to let it go. By coming to me and seeking help, at least part of that person clearly wants to let go of it, but usually there is another side that is afraid to let it go, wants its protection and security.
Little by little, we work at readiness to release the fear. In the process, some or even all of the fear dissipates! It’s amazing how quickly this work usually goes and how much progress clients make. That said, I am always reluctant to tell anyone how many sessions will be required to accomplish a specific goal, because everyone is different. I’ve seen clients overcome what seemed a huge trauma within just two sessions, but for most it takes longer. And there are always so many other factors that even the clients themselves may not have been consciously aware of until we delved into our work. For something like this, if it goes back to early childhood, I usually suggest a minimum of six sessions but it could take twice that, or more.
Concurrently with these sessions, which can be weekly or even bi-weekly, I always recommend daily meditation. A lot of people new to meditation tell me that no, they couldn’t possibly do that, but it’s not as difficult as it seems when it’s explained properly! Meditation has amazing properties – many of which have been scientifically proven! – and can be extremely helpful in lowering the walls.
I believe that we are all one, in unity and togetherness, and putting up walls out of fear only disallows this unity. My goal is for each and every person to have fulfilling, close, intimate relationships with family, friends, and romantic partnerships. We can even open up to total strangers, because we’re all members of the human family, and we’re all sharing our home – planet Earth – together.
Disclaimer: This is not to be construed as medical advice. I am not a physician or psychotherapist, and none of these practices are intended to substitute for such. Many psychotherapists do believe that EFT and/or Reiki are wonderful *compliments* to traditional therapy, however. While I am not a licensed medical practitioner, I am an ordained minister and as such, use spiritual counseling along with these related alternative practices to assist people in their spiritual journeys.